It started out like this

It started out like this, one homeless guy on a tube somewhere in London, asking for money, she thought it felt familiar, then forgot about it, like all the other good people on this tired train.
Then another one, and a third one again not long enough after.
It started out with the longest winter in the world, a deep set apathy and a profound sorrow with no tears.

 

It’s my birthday and I’ll cry if I want to

30. 

30 years of trying, laying new wallpaper over cracks, then over old wallpaper, and again. 30 years constantly moving forward but somehow never moving on. 15 years of falling in love, and never quite completely out of it. I learnt to speak before I could walk, and then many years later that no one ever really listens, nor are the words ever quite right. I laughed, a lot, hard and cried rivers. I built up a confident personna, I built a nest of love all around me, I thought I was invicible then got beat so heard I thought I would never get up again. But I did slowly, as you do. And now, I’m gonna be 30 in a minute, and I’m sad about a boy, and I’m tired of being alone, but also, I’m feeling kind of straight in my boots, and things could look up soon. So, it’s my birthday, and I’ll cry if I want to, but I hope I won’t. I hope I’ll want to smile and count my blessings instead. 

Toi qui disait que tu m’aimais, comment c’était ?

How was it when you loved me? What did it feel like? Sound like? What colour was it? What did I look like in your pupils? Do you remember kissing me, beinh inside me? Was I different from the ones before me in some way? 

Loving you felt like the brightest light, like morning sun when it warms but doesn’t burn, like that song you sang in my ear. All of the answers to all of the questions. At first. And then, then all at once like being on the edge of a cliff, barefoot, the rocks cutting my feet, naked, the wind whipping my skin. And now still, like bile in my stomach, like a restlessness than can never but cured, a failure that can never be fixed. A gaping hole where our future was supposed to be. 

Ta main

“J’aurais aimé tenir ta main un peu plus longtemps. J’aurais aimé que mon chagrin ne dure qu’un instant.”

I wish I’d held on a little longer, breathed you in a little more. And let you go a little easier.

Missed call.

I’d like to say I didn’t pick up because it was too little too late. Because I’m over it and you. I’d like to say I didn’t spend the night replaying your voice on my voicemail over and over. But it’s not like that. I’m just terrified. I just miss you everyday in the pit of my stomach. Spend sleepless night wondering with that baby inside me might have looked like, if it would have survived if I’d known and looked after myself better. 

I didn’t pick up because I’m getting through it, slowly and painfully, painfully slowly. And I don’t trust myself to walk the steps over again. I don’t trust you to say words that would soothe. I don’t know if there are any. I let the phone ring and cried in my pillow because that’s all I was able to do. 

I don’t want to judge what’s in your heart but…

“We Might Be Dead By Tomorrow”

Give me all your love now
‘Cause for all we know
We might be dead by tomorrow

I can’t go on wasting my time
Adding scars to my heart
‘Cause all I hear is
“I’m not ready now”

And I can tell
That you didn’t had
To face your mother
Losing her lover
Without saying goodbye
Without saying goodbye
‘Cause she didn’t had time

I don’t want to judge
What’s in your heart
But if you’re not ready for love
How can you be ready for life?
How can you be ready for life?

So let’s love fully
And let’s love loud
Let’s love now
‘Cause soon enough we’ll die [x6]